Add a lighthearted feel to your wedding ceremony with any one of these funny readings…
Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!
Graffiti Moon, by Cath Crowley
If my like for you was a football crowd, you’d be deaf ‘cause of the roar. And if my like for you was a boxer, there’d be a dead guy lying on the floor. And if my like for you was sugar, you’d lose your teeth before you were twenty. And if my like for you was money, let’s just say you’d be spending plenty.
All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulgham
All of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. These are the things I learned…
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Give them to someone who feels sad.
Live a balanced life.
Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.
Take a nap every afternoon.
Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
To my valentine, by Ogden Nash
More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or the Axis hates the United States,
That’s how much I love you.
I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.
As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That’s how much you I love.
I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more than the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.
I swear to you by the stars above,
And below, if such there be,
As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths,
That’s how you’re love by me
He Never Leaves The Seat Up, by Anonymous
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Where as she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won’t even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s be his soul mate ‘till the end.
What’s Mickey Without Minnie? by Anonymous
What’s Mickey without Minnie,
Or Piglet without Pooh?
What’s Donald without Daisy?
That’s me without you.
When Ariel doesn’t sing,
and Pooh hates honey,
when Tigger stops bouncing,
and Goofy isn’t funny.
When Peter Pan can’t fly,
and Simba never roars,
when Alice no longer fits
through small doors.
When Dumbo’s ears are small,
and happily ever after isn’t true,
Even then, I won’t stop loving you.
Wedding Day, by Robert Palmer
The day of your wedding
Is a time to reflect
On the things you can hope for
And the things to expect.
You could hope for great riches
Huge bundles of cash
But then lose it all
In a Stock Market crash
Or you could hope for
A life of great ease
With the time and the money
To do as you please
But it’s better to hope for
The good things in life
Like a long happy life
As husband and wife
Like the smile and the kiss
As you walk through the door
And the baby that wakes you
At a quarter to four
And a life of variety
With sunshine and rain
And Frosties for breakfast
Instead of champagne
Expect times of anger
The occasional huff
Because no one annoys you
Like the one that you love
But don’t look for problems
That the future may bring
Just to love and be loved is a wonderful thing
Life’s not all plain sailing
Not always a ball
But I know you’ll be happy
Because love conquers all.
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